The body forgot how to fall asleep

20х30
acrylic on canvas
2024
$150
I'm very tired and sleepy, but I can't fall asleep. The moment of falling asleep does not happen. It's like I'm hanging between two worlds, neither here nor there. I am neither living nor sleeping, but suffering.
I am uncomfortable and scared here and I want it to end. I am cold and also hot. I closed my eyes, but they feel like they are really open.
The bed is uncomfortable and I don't know where to put my hands.
It is dark, but there is too much light. It is quiet, but there are too many sounds.
I ask for help, but no one helps. I pray to God, but nothing happens. I am scared because I think that God has gone somewhere, He is not here, I am alone.
I try to get out of the labyrinth of thoughts in my head, but I get even more confused. I ask active questions to the unknown. What should I do? How can I sleep? How can I rest? How can I live like this? How can I help myself? Who can help me? Why did this happen? When did it start? At what point in my life did the crack in my dream appear? When did this crack start to grow?
I hate myself and I can't forgive myself for not sleeping. I am like an enemy to myself. And I don't have a safe place inside me where I can hide from myself.
Exhibition history:
- 21 – 26 May 2024 – Dream of a sleep, Galleria Gjutars, Vantaa, Finland
- 1 – 31 May 2024 – AiR Gjutars Residency, Vantaa, Finland, Culture Moves Europe


