On February 24, 2022, I did not go to the studio. I woke up that day to the sound of sirens, called my mom and found out that the war had started. Outside the window, there was a dense traffic jam of cars trying to leave the city, constantly honking at each other.
I spent several hours packing a backpack with the most necessary things to go to my mom's house. I couldn't concentrate, my hands were shaking. I was very scared, panic came in waves.
The next few days passed in a blur. Sirens. The news. The shelters. The inability to sleep. Panic. Inability to eat. Fear. Endless cigarettes. Fear. The news. Telegram channels. Calls to loved ones. Difficult decisions. Fear. The decision to stay in Ukraine.
I had to vacate my art studio, which I had occupied for a year and a half, to allow refugees to move in. I took all my huge artworks to my home. I don't paint much now. Instead, I went to work for the humanitarian organization Médecins Sans Frontières. I thought I would paint at home in the evening after work, but most often I just don't have the energy for it. I try to go to bed as soon as possible, because at night we are woken up by sirens and have to run for shelter. Since the beginning of the war, I have been dreaming of a normal sleep.
The war took away the usual established daily routine, the established order of things. It has become impossible to go in for sports and go to the pool, to go for a walk and to a cafe with friends, to go to exhibitions and the theater, just to be where you want to be. There is simply not enough time for most things, except for the most necessary ones.
The biggest regret is that I don't paint enough. Now I want to paint about so many things, but I realize that I'm not the only one who will paint about the horrors of war. I want to paint about dreams, about the new, about the future. I want this horror to end sooner, but it is what it is. Reality is hard and fossilized. Monumentally uncertain. Sharp. Harsh. Material. Sirens. Shelter. Fear.
At the same time, my eyes opened wide in all this. The sun comes out. Birds fly by. People are laughing. Children draw with chalk on the stoves. Dogs are walking. The cat is sleeping. And it all brings such joy... How good it is to live. And I want to live and live some more.